Tactical Intoxication Program: S3E04 “The Man from Jupiter”

Let’s take a little walk.

Do you know what Zinc is? Do you know what it does or where it’s found?

No? Well, to put it simply, it’s too complicated to explain.

Put slightly less simply, it does everything from combining with copper to make brass, aiding in the production of testosterone, helping glutematergic neurons to modulate brain excitability, and helping form the structure of numerous proteins. One of those organic structures is a little something I like to call the milk of human kindness.

True Fact™: Human semen contains 30 times more zinc than does human blood.

Studies show that decreased levels of zinc lead to lower sperm density. Thankfully for most first-world eaters, getting enough zinc isn’t difficult. It is ubiquitous in the plant and animal kingdom and can be found in everything from red meat and liver, to wheat and sesame seeds.

Another particularly good source of zinc are oysters. If oysters had eyeballs, they would be up to ‘em with zinc.

That said, you could connect the dots and see that oysters would be an excellent way of increasing your sperm count (as well as aid in the production of testosterone) if you are deficient. Now THAT’s sexy.

…So sexy, in fact, that the notorious Giacomo Casanova was known to eat 50 of the damn things for breakfast. Fucking Casanova…(zing-c!). The love master himself once wrote,

“I placed the shell on the edge of her lips and after a good deal of laughing, she sucked in the oyster, which she held between her lips. I instantly recovered it by placing my lips on hers.”

That right there, is game. It may or may not have had anything to do with eating 50 oysters for breakfast, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that in 1798, the very same year that Casanova died in Bohemia, a young boy was born in the small English village of Newnham, Kent. About twenty years later, this boy moved to London and became a shellfish monger, which, not surprisingly, led to him opening his very own oyster bar on Poultry Street, in 1823. That young man was James Pimm, and that eatery was Pimm’s Oyster Bar.

Not too long after he opened the Oyster Bar, he began feeding the blokes from Bank of England and Loyds of London. Not too long after that, he invented a drink. Like most of the earliest alcoholic beverages of that era, it was advertised as having “medicinal” properties. As it would turn out, most of this was just glorified snake oil, but it didn’t matter, so long as it was tasty and got you squiffed. Pimm’s concoction was gin-based and had a mix of quinine and a secret mix of herbs, which allegedly aided digestion. Though quinine does help treat malaria and lupus, among other ailments, it doesn’t have anything to do with digestion. Mr. Pimm served the drink in a small tankard known as a No. 1 cup. Hence the name, Pimm’s No. 1 Cup.

Pimm’s No. 1 Cup became very popular and soon enough James Pimm found himself with a chain of 5 oyster bars, selling pre-mixed bottles of Pimm’s No. 1, so that other bars in London could serve it. The English really loved this shit. Pimm started mixing his herbs with other spirits, like Brandy, Vodka, and Rum, and ended up with a total of 6 different kinds of Pimm’s. To this day, it is one of the favorite drinks at Wimbledon and is the go to drink for summer time in England. (so I’m told.)

What does this have to do with Archer? Or sexual dysfunction? Or Burt Reynolds for that matter?

Probably nothing. Considering the average human diet contains more than enough zinc, and thus, oysters do little to improve your already healthy levels of sperm and testosterone, and Pimm’s likely doesn’t actually aid in digestion, the whole situation is pretty odd if you ask me. But if you connect the dots, I’m sure that somewhere between Pimm’s and pimps, there’s a good reason.

 

PIMM’S No. 1 CUP

  • 1 part PIMM’S No.1
  • 3 parts chilled lemonade (for everyone not in the UK, this actually means lemon-lime soda, like 7-UP or Sprite)

Pour all ingredients over ice in a Collin’s glass. Briefly and gently stir. Garnish with mint, cucumber, orange and strawberry.

What’s that you say? You don’t want to buy a fuckin whole bottle of PIMM’S just to make this one drink?

Well, that is perfectly reasonable. So, instead, here is a rough (and I do mean rough) approximation of how you could cheat your way into something that resembles PIMMS

  • 1 oz London Dry Gin

  • 2/3 oz Sweet Vermouth (Red)
  • 1/3 oz Dry Vermouth (White)
  • 1/4 oz Orange Liqueur
  • 3 Dash Orange Bitters

Pour all ingredients into a collins glass filled with ice. Top with lemonade (aka sprite), briefly and gently stir, garnish with all the fruit listed above. Serve.

You might have noticed that in order to make a PIMM’s Cheat, you ended up needing several other bottles that you don’t own either. Tough titties. Honestly, there’s only 12 bottlesthat you need in your liquor cabinet, and every single one the bottles in that recipe, are one of those 12 bottles, so quit your belly aching and start Archer-ing your life.

 

FOOD

How about a simple, yet delicious oyster soup like the one over at Hungry Native?

Or do it how PIMM’s would have liked, and eat ‘em raw. Here’s how to shuck em.

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