Tactical Intoxication Program: S4E01 “Fugue & Riffs”

Hello.

I’m  Domirillo.

It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Would you care for a drink?

Since it’s a little chilly outside, I was thinking we could pretend to “get away” by making a margarita. How does that sound?

Excellent.

Let me go ahead and get the ingredients together here.

First, lets fill a pint glass with ice and then pour 3-5 oz of mix into the gla…

What? This?

It’s margarita mix.

No, I don’t know what’s in it. Who do I look like, Don Carlos Orozco? Who I think maybe invented the margarita.

Fine, I’ll read the ingredients: Water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, sodium citrate, sodium benzoate, cellulose gum, gum acacia, polysorbate 60, natural flavors, glycerol ester of wood rosin, sodium metabisulfite, yellow 5, blue 1.

…yeah, now that you mention it. I don’t know what half of those words even mean. But look, it’s made by Jimmy Buffet’s own hands, and it says right on the bottle, “Pair the refreshing taste of Margaritaville Lime Margarita Mix with Margaritaville Tequila and get ready to enjoy a premium margarita with every spin of the blender.”

See, it says “premium” right there. So I think that must be what those words that I didn’t understand were. Those are the premium ingredients. Which explains why they’re so hard to spell.

 

 

Fuck.

I can’t do this anymore.

I feel gross just pretending to think that crap is ok.

 

Let’s get serious about this for a second. I have previously talked about the history and possible origin of the margarita back in Season 3, but I didn’t spend much time covering the fact that every grocery store on the planet has enough pre-mixed concoctions to drown every puppy that has ever lived on the planet of earth. Now, while I don’t need to belabor the point that most of these mixes are disgusting and filled with chemicals that are only needed because they’re using such terrible quality ingredients to begin with. Your margaritas don’t need to last through a nuclear winter. They just need to last you through the weekend. If that.

Over at the Huffington Post, they make the argument that the only reason that you need to purchase a mix, is if you’re making a HUGE amount of these bad boys, for a party or whatever, and thus don’t feel like squeezing limes all day like a field hand.

While I appreciate that this scenario might happen every now and then, and might happen every day at mexican restaurants around the world, how many times has it happened at your fucking house? I bet the answer can be counted on an amputee’s hand. You have no reason to make 14 margaritas in one setting. Unless you’re… well, I guess unless you actually ARE Archer, in which case, you wouldn’t be making them anyway. You’d be having your valet make them, and he’d be squeezing every single margarita by hand from nothing but Boca Chita Key Limes.

There are only 5 things that need to be in your

MARGARITA

  • 1.5 oz (45 ml) Tequila
  • .5 oz (15 ml) Cointreau (orange liqueur)
  • 1 oz (30 ml) Fresh squeezed lime juice
  • Large ice cubes
  • Kosher Salt for the rim of the glass

Pour some salt onto a small dish. Cut a lime in half, use one half to moisten the rim of your glass, then dip the rim in your salt. Juice the lime. One lime (depending on size) should get you a tad more than an ounce of juice. Pour lime juice, Cointreau, and tequila in a cocktail shaker, with ice. Shake vigorously. Pour over ice into your pre-salted glass. Garnish with a lime wedge if desired. (Hint: you desire it).

 

ALTERNATE:

Drink Irish Cream out of the bottle.

 

FOOD:

Honestly, are you asking this? Seriously?

It’s a burger.

If you want to have a little cookout, and make your own, this is a pretty solid direction.

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